رسالة الى أبي ...

بقايا همساتك في قلبي 

من عصر قديم فيه حياتك ضمتني 

عصر خرافي كنت تمجد فيه اسمي
اتذكر ذلك يا حبيبي؟
كان ذلك قبل ان تكسر مرآتك بعض من سنتمتراتي 
وقبل ان تكسر بعدها كلماتك قلبي
و تقتل لمساتك روحي 
عصر عانقت فيه الثلوج احلامي
فتوقف الزمان و اقترب القمر مني
ليحكي لي عن عصر لاحق من حياتي
تنسى فيه من انا و تنس فيه ملامحي
توشح فيه بوجهك عني 
خوفا من شياطيني
ترى؟ هل القاها يوما شياطيني؟
لاحكي لها عن جحيمي 
علها ترحمني و تستدعي ملاكي
لياخذني بعيدا عنك و عني 
وعن عالم لم يستطع يوما ان يستهويني

                                                       

 

Just another woman

I would always listen and say that God will understand , and if he doesn't that he's not God and I need no worry.
The answer to my prayers was crystal clear.
If it's worth it than I have to fight to have it. 
If I don't have to fight, then it's not worth it.
And if I don't want to fight then I'm not worth it. 
Fighting for answers is the the main challenge, whether it's an answer to the meaning of life, or answer to the meaning of a personal desire.
Fighting for a value, or for a conviction, defending a belief regardless of the circumstances, fighting to stay strong and faithful to who I am everywhere I go.
Fighting to be myself no matter what.
And then there is the ultimate fight to achieve goals , to assume those goals and to dream ! 
Fighting for love, or fighting to let go and move on.
Fighting to stay happy, fighting a depressing state of mind.
Fighting ignorance and fears.
In the End, maybe this was the answer I fought first to have, when I wanted to know if life was a man or a woman 
Life is woman, that seduces everything you love away, and you have to fight her to have it back 
Death is a woman that takes away everyone you love out of jealousy.
But life is a woman , and death is a woman , full of beauty and surprises, full of perfect balance.
                                                

Get a hair cut !

There are many things very present on my mind lately, and they all are about my future, it goes from thoughts about how much effort should I do to make my hair longer, to what, where and how should I choose my life's professional field , the amount of books I want to read to get a clearer view about another complicated case, Improving myself, to why am I even alive?! what am I worth of ?! who am I! and who am I supposed to live my life with?! 
weird...huh?! 
But anyway, I decided to sit along with my brain and have a little chitchat like the grown ups we are "kinda", and figure all that out. 
And because my brain is sometimes "all the times" acting like the one of a 5 years old spoiled brat, we didn't get to much. 
But, we ended up making randomly a list of what we called the minimum criteria to making a decision. 
and let's start with my hair ! 
Why do I want it longer ?! It has something to do with the image I have of the traditional Arab woman : You know , long hair, dark features and a sweet tanned skin ! 
Now this might have a lot to do with Jasmine from Aladdin and the whole Disney manipulative child minds destructive programs, and in the end I'm not even sure if I'm at least 5% Arab, and having long hair won't mean anything with my ghost-like white skin and light features.

                               
But, this gives me a breather to express my self as someone with a background culture , that is supposed to be Algerian, and that leads me to think that I'm trying to identify myself somewhere, anywhere, because actually I'm lost and I have no culture to stick on. 
The thing is I have been always fascinated with anything traditional , from food to cloths to the dark circles of Khol I apply everyday, as if I'm trying to scream off the roofs that I'm Algerian and proud! 
And despite the fact that Algeria isn't technically an Arabic country "thanks God for that", and that I'm not technically an Amazigh, and despite the whole confusing concept of being an Algerian,
being born here is just a coincidence, maybe a very bad one, as i might have been more productive in another country, and more happy. 
George Carlin says , that we can't be proud of what we never made, and I never made myself be born in Algeria.
                                              
So how does people in my country define pride?! hostility to anyone who beat us in a football game?! some irrational love to the flag?!Going to live in England and avoiding pigs meat?! to me, this is just like the long hair .. doesn't make any sense as the other ingredients to express the Algerianity are absent.no real loyalty toward the country they steal, break, abuse, and sell.No real expressions of love, no respect for the land nor for those who died for it.Just a piece of dead cells on the head. 
Oh well,I ended having a short cut .. that saves my time and my shampoo and lot of my pride.